Thursday, September 27, 2012
"The Truth About Daisy"
is that she
She is betrothed
to chaos, the
bride of the
she will take you in motor cars
through the ash piles to the place
is rendered from earnest
hearts and body parts seen
by wild eyes
and granite minds
here you learn
what they all
know but you
Friday, September 21, 2012
You are not kept by any loyalty.
You are not kept.
-excerpted from my dearest friend's harangue of adulation
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I talked to my new psychologist today. She was accommodating, kind, and resourceful. Research shows that the number one indicator of positive therapeutic outcome is client/therapist rapport and already I have a very good feeling about her. Our first appointment is next week.
I am quite excited and ready to begin this work!
Monday, September 17, 2012
In all probability, if not for my plenary preoccupation with veracity, I never would have known The German. I can state this with relative certainty because he resided and worked in the same small neighborhood where I lived (or frequented) for an entire decade without our ever having met. Thus, despite space and time, the opportunity for a connection was ultimately born of a menial error I noticed while browsing his OkC profile; namely, his attribution of "Scarlet Begonias" to Sublime. In lieu of the wonted flowery prelude, I shot off a brief communiqué of correction and then promptly forgot him. Curiously, my impersonal dispatch alit a trifling, yet enduring, flame of intrigue. Following multiple declined invitations over the course of several months, he eventually addressed me in one of his solicitous messages as "my Ruca" and I, charmed by his facetious familiarity, agreed to a date.
On the afternoon of our introduction, I first encountered The German while stationed atop a mountainous stone tortoise. My expectations in advance of meeting him were remarkably low and so when I glanced down to discover him quizzically half-smiling up at me -- all lunisolar blue eyes and exponentially more handsome than his online photographs had suggested -- I sorely regretted the utilitarian Russian potato farmer getup (complete with black wool shawl) that I'd haplessly donned for our chilly, late winter trip to the zoo. Essentially from the moment of our acquaintance, I suspected that I’d truly met my familiar and, as our winsome date progressed, I was increasingly taken aback, existentially thrown, and joyfully unsettled by how thoroughly I enjoyed this stranger's easy company.
After our extrodinary day at the zoo, I returned home and began exaltantly beautifying myself for a second date with my German-- this one scheduled for the very evening of the original. My best friend recently recalled that I'd phoned her following date number one to enthusiastically rant and rave at length regarding how much I positively relished this man; she concluded that my fervor for him was absolutely unparalleled and, given that we've been friends for longer than I've been dating, she would certainly know.
Needless to say, date number two was comparably spectacular and unforeseen. I could easily compose an entire blog entry about the events of that night. Suffice to say, it featured a stately well-to-do professional in a stunningly tailored suit who decorously requested the use of my lighter so that he could smoke his marijuana cigarette on the porch of the wine bar where we were lounging. I, of course, readily agreed to the favor and the look on The German's face when he subsequently returned from the restroom of this bourgeois establishment to find me enveloped in tendrils of sweetly miasmatic smoke was arguably more priceless than the extravagant vino that the other patrons were heartily imbibing.
Our acquaintance blossomed swiftly thereafter. Several additional dates were enjoyed that first week and the weeks developed into months of conversing, exploring, kissing, quiping, singing, fucking, playing, drinking, listening, dreaming.... With him, I engaged in activities previously unthinkable like plucking my nocturnal sleep-worshiping self, voluntarily and routinely, out of bed early so that we had ample opportunity to walk the dog and eat breakfast together before work. He taught me myriads about how to live well; how to patiently take things as they come; and how to avoid reducing anyone or anything to inane black and white presuppositions. In illustration, after having quixotically avoided ever handling a gun, he showed me how to safely hold, fathom, and even shoot them.
Speaking of guns, my dearest-held remembrance of our romance was of observing him ethereally bathed in a many-colored pool of late afternoon sunlight as he quietly and methodically serviced his revolver. The meditative steps involved in breaking down this prized silvery pistol into its composite elements and his careful utilization of the various maintenance accoutrements thereof was perversly serene to behold. More significantly, I was struck by his profound lack of self-regard. It felt as though I was wholly with him and that I intuitively knew who he was-- unfiltered, unadorned, and unguarded. I was grateful to be absolutely in his element, reading one of his well-worn paperbacks, with his dog plopped lazily on my feet and his cat blithely lounging to my right. His milieu was humble, compelling, and beautiful.
Roughly nine weeks after having met this man, I imprudently revealed that I was tremendously in love with him. He pulled me to his chest and, instinctively stroking my cheek, he asked, “…but isn’t this a little soon?” I laughed and unabashedly confirmed, “Yes! Actually, I strongly suspect that I loved you within the first month of our dating, though I couldn’t conceive of telling you so at the time" – so ludicrous it seemed --and so ludicrous it still seemed. But love it was nonetheless. And I loved him copiously. I adored his intellect, his worldview, his ethics, his elucidations, his self-direction, his voice and manner of speaking, his seemingly limitless devotion to his loved ones, his work ethic, his storytelling, his sense of humor, his body language, his kindness and innumerable scores more.
But, the thing is, he didn’t want my love. For reasons that are his own, The German most assuredly did not. So loveblind, so pure, so mystical was my faith in the sanctity of this love that I could not even begin to apprehend his lack of reciprocity. And, lest you somehow wish to fault him for misleading me, be advised that I’ve known him for a year and a half now and he has directly informed me of his insouciance on a number of occassions: he did so when he cleanly broke off the amourette only a few months after it had begun; when I hotheadedly kissed him eight months later; and again about a month ago. Indeed, even when we were still dating- within weeks of our meeting- he told me unequivocally that he was content with being single and that he had no intention of settling down with me or anyone else anytime soon. But I fatalistically and obstinately declined to give up.
To be sure, I genuinely tried to abstain from him (we ceased all communication for three uninterrupted miserable months following the breakup), but failed to appreciably benefit from the effort. Upon learning of my unvanquished feelings, a friend sagaciously warned, "Unrequited love is a prison of one’s own making. Don't be so foolish." Another friend admonished, “You can’t make him love you and, even if you could, it would be a bitter, unsatisfying venture.” True. All of that was true, but I remained unpersuaded.
What did pierce this tenacious illusion was an inchoate notion that my lover put forth. She said, "No matter how fantastic and luminous he may seem to you; no matter how infallible and abiding your love for him may be; no matter the strength and tenacity of your hope; still, one fatal flaw remains: he fails to comprehend how incredible you are and if he can't understand that much, if he isn't running into your arms with sheer jubilation, than he clearly isn't worthy of you. It is just that simple." Looking into her eyes, I intuited that I was missing something fundamental. I felt the love she freely gave me juxtaposed against the witholding I received from The German and languorously my self-constructed deceit began to collapse around me.
I've been struggling for some time to understand why I've continuously subjected myself to this soporific, oozing leporacy of lovesickness. It wasn't as though I didn't know what to rightfully expect. Yet, I have repeatedly smashed heart first into that same steel reinforced palisade and thereby bloodied my soul over and over again. When folks asked how on Earth I could persist in this excrutiating vein, I half-jokingly replied, "Well, I am a masochist...." But that is clearly a shallow pay-no-attention-to-the-woman-behind-the-curtain reading of the underlying mechanisms involved. Moreover, I'm crippling a friendship that I value immensely. The German is one of my favorite people in this world, I admire him, and he is a good friend to me. It is awful to know that I am paining this person whom I love and that my love itself is a source of malcontent for the both of us.
And so the once guileless maiden came to understand that, despite what fairy tales may portray, unconditional love is not a grace-filled enchantment. Indeed, in the end, it can treacherously fail to serve both the lover and the beloved....
The truth is that the stories that I tell myself about The German (such as the one above) are only a distraction from my much larger reality. As unpleasant as unrequited love can be, still more unpleasant is a deeply disturbed home-life. Fortunately, I'm an autonomous adult, but I've a stupifying worry and concern for my youngest siblings who remain in the care of my parents. Though I know that my mother and father try to love their children and that they strive for goodness, they very rarely have the emotional and financial resources necessary to realize their aims. Thus, they too often prove themselves to be a force more collectively destructive than constructive.
As an adolescent, I desperately sought security. But my parents were like angels of certain doom. Any thread of normalicy to which I clung they forcibly, purposefully, even maliciously cut down. My friends have taken supported risks and grown up to become editors at big publishing houses, doctors, PhDs and so forth. I, however, remain at a dead end job, in a dead end city because I've carved out a safe and secure place for myself. I've chosen personal security over professional satisfaction and I made this choice both for myself and for my sisters. I cannot bear the prospect of them feeling as helpless and groundless as I once felt. I want these girls to have the space and permission to grow that I didn't have when I was their age. And I believe that we are accomplishing this together. They've both acknowledged that I am a hugely influential and helpful person in their lives.
Perhaps this peripheral, almost unconscious, seeking of security is why I persisted with The German- even when it was to no avail. Like me, he is the oldest of five children. However, his parents were much older when they conceived him. They were financially, mentally, and emotionally stable-- complete people and effective parents. On some level, I wanted to live vicariously through The German. I wanted to hear all of his happy stories about this large charismatic group and learn what it was like to have a healthy family life. Being with him helped me to gain insight into how I could model confidence, patience, and strength for my sisters. It is terrifically difficult to admit, but deep, deep down - buried under all sorts of weird shit - I must have dreamed that I could be a part of his family. And that must have been an exceptionally difficult dream to relinquish....
In addendum, I've come to realize, particularly since I began drafting this piece, that I must return to therapy. Financial security only provides a foundation (frequently transient). I need to now build self-confidence so that I can take the risks necessary to progress toward a truly fulfilling life. In addition, I need to home in on the ways that I create sustaining romantic distractions rather than directly confronting life's challenges. I've a superabundance of life to live and I refuse to continue to exhaust myself on infecund dead-ends. Happily, a friend was kind enough to refer me to a therapist who takes my insurance and who will likely be an outstanding therapeutic fit for me. I look forward to working with her in the near future. I have faith that, in time, we will be able to meet these goals and, thanks to The German, my patience is now damn near impeccable.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
At the sound of the tone,
Please leave a message.
Ah, they will think.
No one home.
It's good for them to think—
Don't do it for them.
Feel free to shout at the screen.
Feel as free as possible.
-excerpted from Jordan Davis' "The Man Who Rode the Mule Around the World"
I've devoted a good ten hours or more to writing a piece that I may or may not post here. It essentially chronicles my relationship (small R) with the German, though I'm feeling increasing more reticent about the subject. How do you write about a "nonrelationship"? Moreover, how do you write about a nonrelationship that culminated in the most intense feeling of love that you've heretofore known? How do you write about it in a way that preserves the privacy and dignity of your beloved while targeting the still beating heart of your own story? And how can anyone stomach one more single solitary sentimental word about this damned German anyway?
Monday, September 10, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I felt nothing.
Two days later, I found myself impetuously fucking a beautiful woman who loved me. Who has loved me for some time. After a splendid evening, I awoke the next morning in her arms. She bid me farewell and hoped we'd soon see each other again.
I felt nothing.
Four days later, I found myself warmly holding hands with my giddy m-t-f friend while he (not yet transitioned to she) made goo-goo eyes, sexted me, and tried to negotiate a farewell kiss. As he said goodbye, he told me he'd text later and that he'd like to meet me anon.
I felt nothing.
Five days later, I found myself at the bottom of a bottle of Scotch, tightly hugging my sometime lover as he cried in anticipation of his upcoming out-of-state move. The next day, who approached me outside a neighborhood coffeehouse with a delighted grin and feeling so very happy to see me?
Six days later, I am the entertainment at my extended family gathering. Why don't you tell us all about your love life, Jen? Why, I'm happy to oblige. Let me present this to you in the most ludicrous manner possible. We'll laugh. Because
I feel nothing.
Seven days later, today, I am reading an email from a hapless musician whom I had agreed to go out with this evening. He was expressing his confusion at my having canceled. Said he'd enjoy going out some other time, if I changed my mind. I did not reply. Rather, I proceeded directly to my online dating profile to deactivate that as well.
A week or so ago, I was talking with my best friend and telling her that I'd finally given up on my ever being with the German. Repeatedly she queried, "Is this good? Are you happy about this?" I couldn't rightly answer. Indeed, I felt nothing and, at the time, I presumed the German was the impetus for this nothing. A self-defense through sheer numbness.
When discussing the situation with my family, it was suggested that even in relation to the German I was replete with sabotage. Logically, all of my actions were antithetical to my ever being with him. So, even then, something was holding me emotionally distant.
Something is behind this nothing.
I need only find it.