Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The something behind the nothing

Following his intemperate orgasm, I said, "I feel like a vessel and I don't think this is going to work out between us." Flabbergasted and tearful, he concluded that I was purposefully sabotaging our relationship because I was afraid of emotional intimacy. The next day, he was texting in apology to see if I'd reconsider.

I felt nothing.

Two days later, I found myself impetuously fucking a beautiful woman who loved me. Who has loved me for some time. After a splendid evening, I awoke the next morning in her arms. She bid me farewell and hoped we'd soon see each other again.

I felt nothing.

Four days later, I found myself warmly holding hands with my giddy m-t-f friend while he (not yet transitioned to she) made goo-goo eyes, sexted me, and tried to negotiate a farewell kiss. As he said goodbye, he told me he'd text later and that he'd like to meet me anon.

I felt nothing.

Five days later, I found myself at the bottom of a bottle of Scotch, tightly hugging my sometime lover as he cried in anticipation of his upcoming out-of-state move. The next day, who approached me outside a neighborhood coffeehouse with a delighted grin and feeling so very happy to see me?

Nothing.

Six days later, I am the entertainment at my extended family gathering. Why don't you tell us all about your love life, Jen? Why, I'm happy to oblige. Let me present this to you in the most ludicrous manner possible. We'll laugh. Because

I feel nothing.

Seven days later, today, I am reading an email from a hapless musician whom I had agreed to go out with this evening. He was expressing his confusion at my having canceled. Said he'd enjoy going out some other time, if I changed my mind. I did not reply. Rather, I proceeded directly to my online dating profile to deactivate that as well.

***

A week or so ago, I was talking with my best friend and telling her that I'd finally given up on my ever being with the German. Repeatedly she queried, "Is this good? Are you happy about this?" I couldn't rightly answer. Indeed, I felt nothing and, at the time, I presumed the German was the impetus for this nothing. A self-defense through sheer numbness.

When discussing the situation with my family, it was suggested that even in relation to the German I was replete with sabotage. Logically, all of my actions were antithetical to my ever being with him. So, even then, something was holding me emotionally distant.

Something is behind this nothing.

I need only find it.