Friday, February 12, 2010

The Noisy Fake Orgasm

In the wee hours of this past morning, I was awakened by my downstairs neighbors' abominably obstreperous sex noises.  Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thump sounded their bed frame against our mutually shared wall, as the man spasmodically hammered away;  "Aaaaahhhhh," squealed the woman routinely.  A pair of thoughts straightaway came to mind in the moments that followed, beginning with:  "That woman is faking it."  Indubitably.

A woman knows when another woman is dutifully forging an orgasm.*  In my experience, women naturally do this whole breathy, groaning, moaning type thing.  Maybe they will cry out, if it is remarkably great sex (or they are remarkably sensitive lovers), but rarely do they make a semi-regular, sort of hyper-feminized, high-pitched wail.  That noise is reserved for porn stars and emulators of porn stars.

Of course, some of you will argue with me and say, "No. I make the aforementioned wailing noise and I am utterly sincere in my climax."  Okay, fine then. But there was something more significant than the characteristics of the noise itself that clued me into the reality of the situation (something that the scientist in me is truly loath to admit) and that, my dears, is intuition.  I intuitively know whether a woman is indeed enjoying herself to the hilt and I intuitively know when she is simply putting on a show. 

My second thought was:  "Hey, this really isn't so bad!" Before, when I came (ha-ha) to the realization that a woman was faking orgasm (yes, I've heard it many a time; having lived in numerous multifamily apartment buildings over the course of my life), I became deeply annoyed.  I wouldn't have begrudged a stranger an earnest climax, but to fake it was inexcusable.  I mean, what exactly was the point?  Assuming they enjoyed orgasming, you'd think they would want to clue their lover into what one really sounded like, and in particular what theirs sounded like, rather than reinforcing a stereotype.

However, this morning I had a change of heart.  I thought, "Maybe this lady already had her orgasm and now she is pleasing her guy.  Or maybe she will have one after he has his?  Or maybe she isn't the quid pro quo type."  Regardless, I ultimately realized that what I heard was encouragement in her voice.  She was the epitome of GGG** and she was serving as a little cheering section for her man.  Perhaps that is why so many women fake it w/ the porn-star-sounding simulated orgasm.  They know that is what their partner has grown accustomed to enjoy...  Either way, once I had that thought, I was perfectly fine with her little charade.  I got up, drew myself a glass of water, turned on the BBC to drown them out (they did deserve some privacy after all), and promptly fell back to sleep. 


Hmm, as I was writing my introductory paragraph above I realized that I made an assumption this morning, as to where that thumping noise originated.  It could very well have been the LADY pegging her man in the bum (wouldn't really account for the lack of rhythm, unless that lady was truly truly terrible in bed, but I digress...).  Actually, it would be even better, in my mind, if that were the case.

In conclusion, I'm glad that I can finally embrace my neighbors' sexual enjoyment regardless of the spontaneity of same.

Om shanti.

*To be fair, maybe men know this, too, and maybe they would rather fool themselves.  Perhaps some men are of the ignorance is bliss persuasion and can happily bang away with no regard for his partner's experience whatsoever.  Hard to say definitively.
**Good, giving, and game (a Dan Savage term)