Monday, December 28, 2009

Tragic and Treacherous

One of the things that is most painful about being a single adult is learning that there are people in this world who you could partner up with romantically and be very happy with indefinitely, if only you both lived in a vacuum. Ani DiFranco addresses this situation (or at least I interpret her lyrics this way) in her song Shameless--

We're in a room without a door
And I am sure without a doubt
They're gonna wanna know
How we got in here
And they're gonna wanna know
How we plan to get out

I keep “backsliding” (as one of my friends so sensitively puts it) with my ex. I spend entirely too much time with him, I don’t have enough emotional distance, and I go back and forth in my head about our relationship--

I could be with him today.
Probably not tomorrow, though...
[In the grand sense of the word “tomorrow,” that is.]
How would that work? Just being with him today?
I’m sure I don’t really care; I just want him to hold me at this very moment.
Then maybe we could fall into bed together...
Yeah, but that makes me feel grotesque afterward.
So perhaps we should get back together then.
That might be nice...
But then how would we break up? What would that be like?
And what would happen if one of us found someone who suits the other better?

What a mess.

Not only that, but I keep mulling over my relationship with another guy from my past. He is utterly not right for me in important respects--not esthetically, not philosophically, not with relation to chosen life paths--and yet, I can’t push the array of thoughts relating to him out of my brain. I only fixate on how intellectually stimulating it is to be around him, how we laugh together, how we intrigue each other, what it was like when we were young and held hands in his car, and what it would be like to be with him in that room without a door for awhile.

Bleh. Sometimes, I really detest adulthood. Really, I do.

Om shanti.