Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Threat of Mental Collapse - Part II of II

To continue, I discovered, over ten days ago, that I had somehow either lost or had stolen from me both my debit card and my driver’s license.  On the following days I had to haul ass on my lunch hours to get those necessary items replaced and, as of today's date, I still haven’t gotten my new debit card up and running, yet (I received the thing in the mail last night, but I’m having a problem activating it). Since the economy is so insanely shitty and I've never had to write checks before (except to pay my monthly bills), no one wants to accept them from me.  My checks are more often than not declined b/c I've never previously written a check at these businesses.  So I currently have next to zero cash flow (even though I have a sizable sum of money in my checking account right now—which will all be going to bills soon enough, but I digress).

As an aside (this seems somehow related in my mind), I borrowed $1,500 from one of my better off friends this spring in order to fund my moving into my own place and my new-to-me car.  Luckily, I've been able to buckle down and pay her back $1,300 of that loan since June, but my goal was to have repaid the entire sum by the end of this year.  If I don't receive the aformentioned bonus, I will have to carry the balance into next year, which I do not want to do.  It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.  To be clear, not because she has been pressuring me--Goddess love her, she was willing to wait as long as it took for me to comfortably repay her--but because I don't want to worry about owing my friend money (neither a borrower nor a lender be).  I value our friendship much too much to ever let something like an unpaid debt come between us.

Yesterday, a check of mine was declined (the third time in 24 hours) at a local filling station (SUPREMELY frustrating, given that I had so much money in my account and I'd been working so diligently lately--you'd think I'd be able to freaking buy gas). This occurred at a business where I have used my debit card (the same checking account as my checks, mind you) numerous times over the course of many years.  In addition to the crippling embarrassment of such an event, it was also the absolute worst time for my check to be declined since my gas light was on and I was still several highway exits away from my home.  I had no cash and no other way to purchase the necessary fuel.  Rather than fruitlessly arguing with the cashier, I decided to chance it and try driving on fumes the rest of the way back to my apartment.

Luckily, I did make it to my place without further incident and promptly had a mini-breakdown upon arrival.  In tears, I called my ex (who lives about ten or so blocks away from me) and recounted my situation.  He calmed me down, reminded me that I was just going through some temporary trouble, and offered to come over and help.  He then drove with me to the nearest gas station (we made it without hitting empty, no small miracle) where he bought me a full tank of gas and three packs of cigarettes.  (If that isn't love, I don't know what is!)

On our way over to the gas station, my ex's old college buddy called him.  The same friend who hosted us in the Virgin Islands last year at his little cabin on the hillside.  So, when my ex got out of my car to pay for and pump the gas, he handed the phone over to me (as, apparently, he is unable to converse on the phone and pump gas at the same time).  Nearly the very first thing that his friend asked me was:  "Is it true that you guys broke up?"  (Apparently, my ex hasn't told any of his friends that we aren't together anymore--the only reason that this particular friend knew was because our mutual friend, whom I had told, had told him.)  I confirmed the news.

He then wanted to know why.  Why did we break up when we obviously still like each other??  The only thing I could tell him was that we simply do not have a future together.  He wants to be married.  I don't.  He wants six kids.  I don't.  He wants to ultimately live on his family's farm.  I don't.  Thankfully, his friend completely understood.  He told me, "Well, you know, he just has so much love in his heart.  Enough love for fourteen children."  It was the saddest thing anyone has ever said to me because it is bloody true.  My ex would be the most devoted of fathers.  Not only that, but he was there for me, at my house, within fifteen minutes of my random, panicky phone call.  He still loves me.  He still wants to be with me.  I think on some level that he believes that he will be with me one day in the future--if only he plays his cards right.  This isn't for my lack of communication, either.  I've been super straight with him and he seems to understand intellectually that we don't make sense together in the long term

It is just...our hearts haven't come to terms with this change.  I keep asking myself, "Exactly what happens when soul mates are simply not on the same life path?"  No discernible answer is yet forthcoming.